Ever since I was a little child I was afraid of dying. The thing that scares me the most is the fact you are no more; your just not here anymore. I’m terrified of leaving everyone behind once I go; just that thought alone scares me to death. What happens to you after you die? I am also worried by the unknown of dying and, what happens to your soul. I have had many people in my family pass away. The one that had me face my fears the most was my dad’s own passing.
My dad passed away when I was eighteen years old; it will be two years in February. My dad had cancer and was put into remission, but about six to eight months later he was diagnosed again and was terminally ill. After we found out he was terminally ill the doctors said he had a month to live; in the end that’s all we had left with him.
When we brought him home we got hospice in right away. Hospice is a service where they bring in a death bed, have a nurse that comes in a few times a week and I want to say she was a social worker who came in to be there for us. My mom, brother and I all witness he slowly pass away. The only good thing about him passing that way, instead of a freak accident, is that we all got to say good bye to him.
It’s hard to admit that there are good things that can come from someone close to you dying. After you go through something like that it changes you; sometimes bad but also it can be a good change. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I haven’t faced that; it has also made me face my own fear of death.
I believe that my dad is still with us; I believe his spirit is here watching over my family and me. I have always believed that there is some form spirituality out there; even through my own confusion with my belief of God. My belief of there is life after death became even stronger after my dad left us. When I didn’t believe in God anymore I used to picture where my dad was. I would imagine a lake in the middle of the woods, at night time, even though it was dark outside it wasn’t freighting. Knowing my dad is with us gives me comfort for when I die one day.
If I were to die tomorrow I know my dad would be there. I wouldn’t be with the rest of my family and friends, but I would still be with people I know. I would love to see my dad again but I can’t until I met my end. Just to hear him say I love you again would be amazing. I hold on to the hope that we will see each other again one day.
After watching my own dad die I am less afraid to die. I know he will be there for me when I need him, just in a different way now. Of course it stills scares me, but I feel a little less scared of it now. It’s going to happen one day, so why not try to see the positive from it. That’s how I like to view the world; always look for the positive in a bad situation.