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And here's one for the girls - just to balance some of the predominantly male oriented jokes here: A dog or a man? If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say its not quite as good as his mother's ...then buy a dog. If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want ... ...then buy a dog. If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies ...then buy a dog. If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores ...then buy a dog ! If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually ... ...then buy a dog. BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness ., . . . ...then buy a cat! Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say... marry a man, didn't you?

The Garden of Eden The Lord made man in the Garden Of Eden, Then he thought to himself 'There's something he's needin''. So after scratching around for a suitable pearl God fiddled around until He'd created a girl. Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender. Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire. Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud. Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you. Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder. 'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing. . . . . . . . . Then he added a mouth..... Ruined the whole ****king thing!!!

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE A blond girl walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have. Unfazed, the blond assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. 'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.' 'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde. 'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist. 'Yes,' said the blond, 'I'll go home and get it.' She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.' Annoyed, the blond snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container... TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM

Boys A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.' He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?' Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... "well that was me."

The Biker and the Drunk: (BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE YEAR, so far!) A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!' The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would normally fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good. The best I ever had!' The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!' At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says.. 'Grandpa..........Go home! You're drunk!'

The Rabbi and the Tax Collector At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual Question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs? "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick".

Just a little thing that has been "doing the rounds" of the Internet recently - and arrived in my in-box from an unknown original author: CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 50's, 60's and 70's !! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a van - loose - was always great fun. We drank water from the garden hosepipe and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because...... WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents We played with worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out any eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! Local teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.They actually sided with the law! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?! PS -The BIG type is because your eyes are shot at your age

Hi Gary! Welcome to artfreaks.com! I had a look at your website, www.intuitivesculpture.com I think your work is truly awesome! I especially liked your metal people series - and this one in particular really blows my mind! www.intuitivesculpture.com/M1%20Ero...0Bikini%202.JPG If you get a bit of spare time, I hope you will be able to set yourself up some albums on the artfreaks.com Forums > Gallery. We desperately need some sculpture on this site! Happy sculpting!

New Words for 2008 1 SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person. 2 SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person. 3 TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking bollocks. 4 BLAMESTORMING. Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. 5 SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and Then leaves. 6 ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard. 7 SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die. 8 CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles. 9 PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.) 10 SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a 'home business'. 11 SINBAD. Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate. 12 AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'. 13 PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. 14 ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the 'adminisphere' are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded 'administrivia' - needless paperwork and processes. 15 404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 Not Found' meaning that the requested document could not be located. 16 AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under. 17 OH - NO SECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all'). 18 GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare. 19 JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training. 20 MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nowt in there worth seeing. 21 MONKEY BATH . A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'. 22 MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in. 23 MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead. 24 BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am . 25 BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from. 26 BREAKING THE SEAL. Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night. 27 TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women. 28 TRAMP STAMP Tattoo on a female 29 PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks

Some good-old Tommy Cooper stuff!! 1. Two blonds walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. 2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...' 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says: 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.' 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth both die on the same day and they go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should get into Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure the angels will be pleased to see them every day, for eternity." The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever. The angel chuckles and says, "Okay, Your Majesty, you may go in." Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and gets in! Would you explain that to me?" "Sorry, Dolly," says the angel... but, even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.