smb

The gay, macho cowboy joke!

Subject: TREATMENT PLAN

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage,

20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,

Someone else I am praying for...

(The following was received in an e-mail:)

>If you haven't already, please read this message and pass it on!

>

>

>"As you are aware my niece is still missing and I am asking everyone I

know

>to send this as a chain letter i.e. you send it to everyone you know

and

>ask

>them to do the same, as the story is only being covered in Britain,

Eire

>and

>Portugal. We don't believe that she is in Portugal anymore and need to

get

>her picture and the story across Europe as quickly as possible.

Suggestions

>are welcome."

>

>

>Phil McCann

>

> http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com

>

I wish you good luck and I pray for you, my friend

I agree... I agree that I am stupid! VERY VERY STUPID in fact!!

I was stupid enough to trust the guy sitting next to me on a jeep in the Philippines when any Filipino would tell you not to trust the guy sitting next to you on a jeep in the Philippines - Not even if, (as was the case with the punk that robbed me,) he looks decently dressed, well-fed and has a pleasant, smiling demeanor.

Filipinos don't trust people they don't know - and ESPECIALLY NOT in public jeeps.

I did - and that was

STUPID, STUPID, STUPID

of me!

However, I am not so stupid as to think that we don't have pick-pockets and thieves in the UK - or any other country in the world, for that matter.

I am also NOT so stupid as to think that all Filipinos are thieves. I don't think that for one second - and nowhere in my previous posts on this subject did I even imply that - let alone be stupid enough as to actually make such a stupid and obviously ridiculous statement.

No. The only moral to this story for foreigners, whilst they are guests of this wonderful country; is to learn from the people around them and keep their hands tightly on their wallets at all times. The pouch thing that fits on my belt seems like a bloody good idea to me - although I have to say that I WILL be fitting a miniature padlock to the zipper for whenever it contains any substantial amount of money and that any thieving bastard who tries to steal it from me by force WILL have to kill me first!

They can keep the other wallet that I mentioned below... The one for my small change and a few fake 1,000 peso bills!!

I have bought a wallet that sits on my belt. Once it is on, the only way of removing it would be to either cut it of - or remove my belt. It also takes a small pad-lock! The only way any thieving bastard in this or any other country is going to get that off me is to kill me first!

I got my old wallet back - minus the cash, of course - after it was discovered discarded in another jeep on a different route to the one I was on when I had it stolen.

I am going to keep that one for my small change. But I am also going to fill it with fake 1,000 peso bills...

And guess what I am going to write on the bills?

In VERY big letters...

"FUCK YOU!"

Have a great day - And DON't get robbed in the Philippines!

Wait! There's more...!!

I sold 100,000 pesos worth (about US$ 2,000) of paintings by a Filipino artist that I hadn't been able to shift for 2 or 3 years. I let the paintings go to a dealer for only 40,000 pesos because I needed the money and my own paintings are starting to take up more and more space in my little house.

I'd been looking after my neighbor's pit bull terrier bitch, called Shoubi, for the last year - to save her from being confined in the tiny cage that her (now previous) owners were trying to keep her in. I don't know if they thought she was a rabbit or something??!? Anyway... The very day after I'd sold the paintings, Shoubi's previous owners decided that they needed to sell here. They took the dog back and there she was looking VERY pitiful in her tiny little cage, in the heat of the noon-day sun again... It just so happened that having just sold those paintings, I actually had enough money to buy her. I paid 10,000 pesos for the dog and I had a proper shelter (constructed of steel) made for her in my front yard - for when I am away... (she sleeps in the house when I am at home...)

The day after I bought Shoubi, I was on my way to the local supermarket, (a two minute jeepney ride,) had my wallet with the remaining 27,000 pesos stolen. (See my previous entry, below, on this topic)

Talk about timing! Had Shoubi's previous owners decided to sell her one day earlier - or one day later, there is absolutely no way I'd have been able to afford her!

I very much hope that my next item for this topic will be something positive.

(I did, after all, say in my first post here that I wanted to keep try to keep this balanced...)

But first, I just have to say a big thank you (NOT!) to the miserable thieving git that picked my pocket in the space of a less than a 2 minutes jeepney ride today. I hope he gets drunk with the 27,000 pesos that were in my wallet and dies a horrible death. OK, OK, stupid, stupid me, I know - riding a jeep with that kind of money in my pocket. But I was only heading to my local supermarket to buy some much needed provisions and I really didn't expect to get robbed on a two minute jeepney ride in broad daylight!

And YEAH! YEAH! I can hear the cries of "OH! DON'T YOU HAVE PICK-POCKETS AND THIEVS IN YOUR OWN COUNTRY???"

Yes, of course we do!

But how come just about every solidly constructed house in this country has iron bars on all of its windows?

Clearly, Filipinos don't trust Filipinos not to steal their kitchen frying pans!

Nuff said??

The first picture in Gallery > Members Albums > Photography > Life (and death) in the Philippines is a very gruesome photo of some poor dog's head on a barbecue stand.

I have already said all that I want to say about this in a separate topic under:

Dog Food?, People still eat dogs in the Philippines

But, whilst I'm still on the subject of dogs, I'd just like to say that if I had my way, I'd have about 98% of all the dogs in the Philippines safely evacuated to safe and loving homes abroad - where the owners would know how to take care of them.

(Wag lang China or Korea; where they also eat dogs...)

Keeping man's best friend on a piece of string less than the length of the average man's arm - or in a cage which is big enough only for a rabbit - for it's entire life is NOT the way to keep a dog.

When Filipinos know how to look after dogs, they should be allowed to keep a dogs.

Life in the Philippines... What is it like?

Well, I'm going to be using this topic to share some of my views, observations and experiences of living in the Philippines.

No country is perfect, including the Philippines - but this country does have many, many great things going for it. And the imperfections? Well, I guess I can always do what 10 million Filipinos have themselves done and pack up my bags and leave for good!

I'll try to keep my own writings on the topic as balanced as possible but, like the news on TV, when someone rides a bus and they have a smooth journey, it doesn't actually make for a very interesting news storey.

It goes without saying that my views and observations will be totally biased and even my experiences will be reported from the standpoint of a middle-aged, white (ex-pat Brit,) single, divorced two times foreigner living in the country as a guest. They couldn't be any other way. But having said that, I am a pretty open-minded kind of person and if anyone has got any contrary views, observations or experiences to report, I will be very happy to hear them!

I have also started an album on the Art Forums > Gallery for a collection of photos that relate to this topic. Again, these will inevitably be of things that happen to interest me personally - as a white (ex-pat Brit,) single, divorced two times foreigner living in the country as a guest.

The photos can be found at:

Art Gallery > Members Albums > Photography > Life (and death) in the Philippines

By the way, if any ordinary member would like to post a reply to this topic (or any other, outside of "Members and Guests Advertisements and Links,") they need only send me a pm or an e-mail and I will be very happy to upgrade their membership to "Special Member" status - which will allow them to post in any of these forums (except, of course, Latest Developments at artfreaks.com)

Chemistry Periodic Table

Find chemical element facts at: http://www.chemicool.com

Chemicool.com offers chemistry forum, tools and more.

The Periodic Table, devised in 1869 by Dmitry I. Mendeleyev is a way of presenting all the elements so as to show their similarities and differences. The elements are arranged in increasing order of atomic number(Z) as you go from left to right across the table. The horizontal rows are called periods and the vertical rows, groups.

A noble gas is found at the right hand side of each period. There is a progression from metals to non-metals across each period. Elements found in groups (e.g. alkali, halogens) have a similar electronic configuration. The number of electrons in outer shell is the same as the number of the group (e.g. lithium 2

This one is for the boys...

(Courtesy of my good friend, JGC...)

Five Rules For A Happy Life

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

AND...

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

Hi Helen!

Welcome to the artfreaks.com Art Forums and I hope you will enjoy yourself here! If you are able to make some regular contributions, you will be among the founding members of these forums!

So far, the only regular contributor is Mr. Mongskie (and he gets paid for it!!!) - with the occasional post from Asbjorn Lonvig, Eduardo and my eldest daughter, Chai (who is also a moderator.) All the rest come and go! One post And you never hear from them again...

As I write this, the whole site is in upheaval as it is in a transition stage between its old home on tierra.net servers and its new home at IPS (same people who produce the software for these forums) The forums seem to be functioning OK, so far but the galleries are not working properly yet. But that will hopefully be sorted out in the next few hours...

By the way, I moved your topic from "Members and Guests advertisements." It's fine here!!

The golf balls are the

important things--God, your family, your children, your health, your

friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only

they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other

things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is

everything else--the small stuff."

Coffee and golf balls sound good to me!!!

Pebbles are a bonus, I guess?!!

Back online now but they (my very soon to be changed-out hosting providers,) forced me to delete my entire "Anything Goes!" (Coppermine) gallery - art, general photography, pictures of dogs - the bloody lot... The database, all of the members. EVERYTHING is gone.

FUCK!!

That is about the only word that adequately describes the situation. A good word, that one! It's one of the truly great words that the English language has to offer! I've never yet come across another word in any other language that has quite the same expressive force as

FUCK!!!

If anyone can prove me wrong, I'd love to hear about it!!

By the way, I am not sure if my information is correct but I was once told that the word "FUCK" derives from an abbreviation of:

(Apparently, in the old days, when local magistrates were one of the few people in town who could actually write - and some of them weren't very good at it - they used to use the abbreviation F.U.C.K., when making an entry in the court record book for someone who had just been sent down for rodgering their neighbour's wife, daughter or anyone else that they weren't supposed to devote so much attention to...)

Another good word that... "Rodgering!!!!!!!

LA Cafe in M.H. Del Pilar Street, Ermita. Still one of the best places for picking up some of the best free-lance "totty" in town.

Well, actually - you don't pick them up - they pick you up!

And, just a friendly reminder... A condom IS A MUST! For your sake, your friends and families sake and of course - for the girl's sake...

They are only making an honest living and the vast majority of them are NICE people!

Hassles

I use a thing called "Clicksor Contextual Advertising" on "Anything Goes!" and the "Top Shelf"

As the name suggests, the thing is supposed to pick up on certain keywords and phrases on a web-page and then flash up a very small text box link to an advertiser's site. Needless to say, the ads are supposed to be relevant to and in the same context as the page on which they appear.

I say, "supposed" because it quite often comes up with some rather strange ones, like "Find smb on e-bay!" Duh? Not me - I have never had anything to do with them!

Or, "Find abacus and many other related products at so and so...!"

(Abacus is, of course a highly valued and very active member of both of the forums and also the "Anything Goes!" gallery, here at artfreaks.com)

But I thought this one really takes the biscuit...!!

Find and compare great deals on hassles at MonsterMarketplace.com!!

And the finished prduct:

I will probably have to work on the hen and chicks some more. Jelyn's shirt could also do with some more white and shading. But, if at all, I will do this immediately before framing...

This arrived in my e-mail:

Subject: Philosophy of life

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours

in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of

coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in

front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and

empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked

the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into

the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas

between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was

full. They agreed that it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the

jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the

jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table

and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty

space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to

recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the

important things--God, your family, your children, your health, your

friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only

they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other

things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is

everything else--the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no

room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend

all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for

the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse

out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the

house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that

really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee

represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to

show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for

a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Highly recommended:

Chris Williams's portfolio at ArtWanted.com

Not so much of a struggle now! Here's my latest 'work in progress...'

Jelyn Nakaupo sa Motor ni Ate! - (In progress)

Who knows how this will turn out. All I can say is that I am enjoying myself here!

Watch this space!

Here's my latest attempt at a pastel portrait:

You can click on the image, above, if you want to see the various stages during the making of this painting - together with some comentary on what I was doing and what I was aiming for...

Not quite perfect, yet - but I feel that I am getting there! I was reasonably happy with this one. Even though the face ended up a little unsymetrical, (it wasn't intentional!); at least I could see something of the girl in the finished painting...

I'm trying to refine my pastels - but without losing that naive quality about them.

Who know's? One day I might be deliberately painting big eyes and lop-sided faces?!!!

Cheers!

And a have a great New Year!

Here's my latest attempt...

Sheine Mae and Jelyn

It should have looked something like this...

Sheine Mae and Jelyn

I'm not aiming for photo-realism here - (even if I did have the skill and the patience to do it). In fact, I like a little bit of style...

But, looking at the photo and the painting together like this, I realized that I made Sheine Mae's head far to big. I'll have to try this one again some time...

Send the troops a Christmas card...

(The following was received in an e-mail:)

Subject

Something cool that Xerox is doing for the troops

Jean Ball wrote:

Something cool that Xerox is doing

If you go to this web site, http://www.letssaythanks.com, you can pick out a thank you card and Xerox will print it and it will be sent to a soldier that is currently serving in Iraq. You can't pick out who gets it, but it will go to some member of the armed services.

How AMAZING it would be if we could get everyone we know to send one!!!

This is a great site.

Please send a card.

It is FREE and it only takes a second.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if the soldiers received a bunch of these? Whether you are for or against the war, our guys and gals over there need to know we are behind them...

And the finished product.

(To see the painting at various different stages during it's making, click on the image above, which links to the "Have a go!" album, which is one of my Members albums at the Forums > Gallery. There is a thumbnail 'filmstrip' underneath the intermediate images...)

Great recipe. I normally only use A-B products but this looked so good I had to try it. I really enjoyed making it if I remember right.

JACK DANIELS CHRISTMAS COOKIES

Ingredients:

2 cups of flour

1 cup of water

1 cup lemon juice

1 tsp baking soda

4 large eggs

1 cup of sugar

1 cup nuts

1 tsp salt

2 cups of dried fruit

1 cup of brown sugar

1 bottle Jack Daniel's Whiskey

Sample the Jack Daniel's to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Jack Daniel's again to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to

make sure the Jack Daniel's is still OK so try another cup, just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Jack to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who gives a sheet. Check the Jack Daniel's. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add

one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink, whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to tip over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Dack Janiel's and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS.