Jokes! Post yours here...

[Gold Coast College]

One man (lets call him Johnny) came to gun shop.

J(ohnny):I want a pistol

S(alesman):Choose from this wall (points at wall full of pistols)

J: (points at biggest pistol) I want this,

S: An .44 Magnum? And for what purpose?

J: For shooting cans.

S: (points on smaller handgun) For shooting cans is the best this one.

J: (points again on .44) No, I want this one.

S: And what cans will you shoot at?

J: Um...Mexi-cans, Portori-cans, Afri-cans...

[smb]

What happens when women drag there men along to the supermarket

'Proof' of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping.

This letter was reputedly sent from the Head Office of a large supermarket chain in the UK, to one of their customers:

(It's a Joke, joke, JOKE!! Just a joke, OK?!!)

Dear Mrs. Murray,

Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the In-store Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15th: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2nd: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7th: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19th: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,

[smb]

For the girls! A few jokes about men and marriage...

Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and

I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on

Table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go

Hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old

Buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules.

Any comments?"

His new bride said,

"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that

There will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...

Whether you're here or not."

(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************

Marriage - Part II

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Husband, Stiff At Last"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

******************************

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says,

"And you are no good in bed either,"

And storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,

"what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

******************************************

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice,

"Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back,

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

**************************************

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests

God may have created man before woman - but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

[smb]

I got some new aftershave today, that smells like bread crumbs.

The birds love it!

You may have missed this announcement in December that Tampax would be replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.

This was for the Christmas period only.

David Cameron has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.

From next week all the forms will be printed in English.

Husband says to wife: "My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight..."

Wife says: "why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change"

When I was last in England and out driving one morning, I saw an RAC van parked up.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself; "that guy’s heading for a breakdown"

[smb]

Getting old:

I've been getting really out of shape lately. So I got my doctor's permission to

join a fitness club and start exercising...

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.

But, by the time I got my gym kit on, the class was over.

[smb]

Kid's funnies

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister... After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was.. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough..'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

JAMES (age 4)was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

And the Sermon that this Mom will never forget...

One Sunday sermon... 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'