Jokes! Post yours here...

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A Difficult Day

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him:

"What time of night is this, to be getting home? Where have you been?"

"Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."

And on and on and on...

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went off and poured himself a large whisky and headed for a long hot soak in the bath - being pursued by predictable sarcastic remarks, as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. His wife answered it and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged that night.

Finally realizing what a terrible day her husband must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed:

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!!!"

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Breeding Bulls

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "

"THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

"THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,"That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one

The husband looked at her and said,

"Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."

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Women Drivers!

This morning on the Interstate,

I looked over to my left and there was a

Woman

In a brand new

Cadillac

Doing 65 mph

With her

Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds !

And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,

Still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;

I dropped my electric shaver,

Which knocked

The donut

Out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying

To straighten out the car

Using my knees against

The steering wheel,

it knocked

my cell phone

away from my ear

which fell

into the coffee

between my legs,

splashed,

and burned

Big Jim and the Twins,

ruined the damn phone,

soaked my trousers,

and disconnected an

important call.

Damn women drivers!!

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The International Council of Man Laws.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

..a ) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

..b ) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.

..c ) After wrecking your boss's car.

..d ) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven,) she's officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360 End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever..

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

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Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth both die on the same day and they go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should get into Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure the angels will be pleased to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The angel chuckles and says, "Okay, Your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and gets in! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the angel...

but, even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.

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Some good-old Tommy Cooper stuff!!

1. Two blonds walk into a building.......... you'd think at

least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy

marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for

shorts. The shrink says: 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I

couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him