Jokes! Post yours here...

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And here's one for the girls - just to balance some of the predominantly male oriented jokes here:

A dog or a man?

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him

and never say its not quite as good as his mother's

...then buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,

for as long and wherever you want ...

...then buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care

about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies

...then buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to

warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores

...then buy a dog !

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care

if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if

every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves

you unconditionally, perpetually ...

...then buy a dog.

BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come

when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair

all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only

comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence

is solely to ensure his happiness .,

.

.

.

...then buy a cat!

Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say... marry a man, didn't you?

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Differences between men and women:

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in

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The Essex Boy joke

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to

buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him

that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the

boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosser wants

to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to

find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman

kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you

got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on

their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Essex, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Essex," the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers there."

"Really?" said the manager, "My wife's from Essex!"

The boy replied:

"No shit!!!??!!

Who did she play for?"

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Beer contains female hormones :

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the

results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The

theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men develop female characteristics.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally

Had to sit down while urinating.

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The parrot and the turkey

A young man named John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out

of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried

and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite

words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up'

the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot

yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even

ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and shoved

him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly

there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the

freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and

said 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully>

intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to

ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the

bird continued....

........'May I inquire as to what that turkey did?'

Advance merry Crimbo!!

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Office Christmas party joke

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 4th November 2008

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over