smb

The International Council of Man Laws. 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: ..a ) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. ..b ) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse. ..c ) After wrecking your boss's car. ..d ) When she is using her teeth. 3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends. 4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. 5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice. 7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven,) she's officially your girlfriend. 10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. 11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. 12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. 18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was. 23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue. 25: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360 End of story. 26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.. 27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

[Edited 2020-03-25 by smb: I can't remember even posting this - let alone where it came from?! Anyway, it's nice - so I decided to keep it - and full credits to whoever wrote this, by the way!] Sand and Stone TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING THROUGH THE DESERT. DURING SOME POINT OF THE JOURNEY, THEY HAD AN ARGUMENT; AND ONE FRIEND SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE IN THE FACE. THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING, WROTE IN THE SAND: 'TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.' THEY KEPT ON WALKING, UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS, WHERE THEY DECIDED TO HAVE A SWIM... THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE MIRE AND STARTED DROWNING. BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM. AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM THE NEAR DROWNING, HE WROTE ON A STONE: 'TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE.' THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND ASKED HIM : 'AFTER I HURT YOU, YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW, YOU WRITE ON A STONE. WHY?' THE FRIEND REPLIED: 'WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN IN SAND, WHERE THE WINDS OF FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT. BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING GOOD FOR US, WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE WHERE NO WIND CAN EVER ERASE IT.' LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE. THEY SAY IT TAKES A MINUTE TO FIND A SPECIAL PERSON, AN HOUR TO APPRECIATE THEM, A DAY TO LOVE THEM - BUT THEN AN ENTIRE LIFE TO FORGET THEM. TAKE THE TIME TO LIVE! DO NOT VALUE THE THINGS YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE... VALUE WHO YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE

London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense:

Women Drivers! This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman In a brand new Cadillac Doing 65 mph With her Face up next to her Rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner. I looked away For a couple seconds ! And when I looked back she was Halfway over in my lane, Still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, Which knocked The donut Out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying To straighten out the car Using my knees against The steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Damn women drivers!!

Breeding Bulls A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR" The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year." They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, " "THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR" The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR" The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,"That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."

THE BEST COMEBACK LINE for 2007... For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!' General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoing, archery and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Hi! Welcome to artfreaks.com - and thanks for the tips! I just got back home, after a couple of months work and I hope to be getting back into painting soon. I can't wait!! I'll give you're suggestions a try and see if it works for me? (To be honest, I think the overstated shading and ridiculously bright colors suite my character - and that is what I am happy with!! Anyway, it certainly wouldn't hurt to try a different technique and I'll certainly give it a go...) By the way, I hope you can avail of your free gallery space for amateur and professional artists and upload some of your work. (I want to see how this more subtle shading thing works!!!)

Thanks for setting up your own blog at artfreaks.com I'm looking forward to seeing some more of your poetry in here. Keep it coming!