smb

Another new Illness to watch out for...

Anal Glaucoma

A woman calls her Boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?' he asks.

"I have a case of Anal Glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is Anal Glaucoma?" he asks...

She replies...

"I can't see my ass coming into work today"

Thanks Vic!!!

Welcome back! 'Hope to see more of your writings here soon!

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. A friend

2. A companion

3. A lover

4. A brother

5. A father

6. A master

7. A chef

8. An electrician

9. A carpenter

10. A plumber

11. A mechanic

12. A decorator

13. A stylist

14. A sexologist

15. A gynaecologist

16. A psychologist

17. A pest exterminator

18. A psychiatrist

19. A healer

20. A good listener

21. An organizer

22. A good father

23. Very clean

24. Sympathetic

25. Athletic

26. Warm

27. Attentive

28. Gallant

29. Intelligent

30. Funny

31. Creative

32. Tender

33. Strong

34. Understanding

35. Tolerant

36. Prudent

37. Ambitious

38. Capable

39. Courageous

40. Determined

41. True

42. Dependable

43. Passionate

44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly

46. Love shopping

47. Be honest

48. Be very rich

49. Not stress her out

50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

1. Leave him alone

Great drawings!

I'd love to get back into some drawing myself...

Sign at Northampton General Hospital:

Family planning advice...

Use rear entrance!!

I just love this one:

On a garden fence:

Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

I've still got the signs that I used to have on my office door on a Japanese-registered ship that I was working on. The signs are in Japanese and I bought them, in order to keep the Japanese Junior Officers from bugging me when I was trying to watch the O-Sumo (sumo wrestling).

There is one that reads: "Closed for business" on one side and "Open for business" on the other... Needless to say, I had it firmly fixed on the door so that it always read "Closed for business."

There is another one that translates as "Beware of the ferocious dog!"

And just for good measure, there is a third one that say's "Sales, hawking and soliciting should be strictly refrained from" - or words to that effect!

These signs are now on the gate posts in the house that I rent in the Philippines. It might seem to be a bit pointless, having signs written in Japanese on a house in the Philippines - but they are really quite effective...

If the signs were in either English or Tagalog; for sure, no one would even notice them - let alone read them. At least, being in Japanese, people do sometimes ask me what they mean. Put it this way; all of my neighbours and most of the itinerant vendors around here seem to have got the message! (Which is more than could ever have been said of those errant young Japanese Officers on that Japanese-flagged ship that I used to work on!)

The attachments:

The first one, on the left, reads "Closed for business."

(Note the convenient little hole in the top, in order to allow you to hang it from a piece of string...)

The second one is the "No salesmen" sign.

The last two show the "Beware of ferocious dog" sign.

Hehe! Well, my Siberian Husky, Xiongdi is quite a big dog - but ferocious, he is definitely NOT!!

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

Dr Jones, at your cervix.

In a Podiatrist's office:

Time wounds all heels.

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels 

On a Plumber's truck:

We repair what your husband fixed.

On another Plumber's truck:

Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

On a Church Billboard:

7 days without God makes one weak.

Outside a tire and exhaust centre:

Invite us to your next blowout.

On an Electrician's truck:

Let us remove your shorts.

In a Non-smoking area:

If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

On a Maternity Room door:

Push! Push! Push!

At an Optometrist's Office:

If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

On a Taxidermist's window:

We really know our stuff.

At a Car Dealership:

The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Outside another tire and exhaust centre:

No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

In a Vets waiting room:

'Back in 5 minutes... Sit! Stay!

In a Restaurant window:

Don't stand there hungry - come on in and get fed up.

In front of a Funeral Home:

Drive carefully. We'll wait.

On the back of yet another Septic Tank Truck:

Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises.

I got some new aftershave today, that smells like bread crumbs.

The birds love it!

You may have missed this announcement in December that Tampax would be replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.

This was for the Christmas period only.

David Cameron has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.

From next week all the forms will be printed in English.

Husband says to wife: "My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight..."

Wife says: "why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change"

When I was last in England and out driving one morning, I saw an RAC van parked up.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself; "that guy’s heading for a breakdown"

It looks great! I think your boyfriend ought to be very pleased with it!

The Human Resources Manager and the Devil

This arrived in my email today.

The punchline sounds like it is straight out of the mouth of your average Marine Personnel Manager...

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

'Welcome to Heaven,' said St. Peter. 'Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' said the woman.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.'

'Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven', said the woman

'Sorry, we have rules....'

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her..

'Now it's time to spend a day in heaven,' he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

'So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,'

The woman paused for a second and then replied, 'Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great, but I think I had a better time in Hell.'

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. 'I don't understand,' stammered the woman, 'yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.'

The Devil looked at her, smiled and said...

'Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee'

I'm still getting:

Error

We're sorry, this page is temporarily unavailable. We apologize for the inconvenience. Please try again later.

'Much better if you could just upload your images as an attachment to a reply in this topic.

You can also upload your images in the Forums > Gallery - and then use the "Insert image" button to place linked copies of them in your Forums posts...

Hello and welcome to ArtFreaks.com!

I tried the first two links and I got the following error message:

Error

We're sorry, this page is temporarily unavailable. We apologize for the inconvenience. Please try again later.

You are now a Full member of the Forums, so you should be able to upload your images as attachments to any Forum posts now...

Heres mine http://www.theweathernetwork.com/news/storm_watch_stories3&stormfile=severe_storm_headed_for_sout_310111&warningtype=sw?ref=stormwatch_home

Wow!

The 'Groundhog Day Storm' is pounding southern Ontario with heaps of snow. Upwards of 30 cm is forecast for some areas by the mid-afternoon.

As of 5 a.m. this morning, Windsor had already been hit with 15 cm. The snow, combined with forceful winds and even lightning strikes has prompted Environment Canada to issue a blizzard warning for cities including London and Hamilton. The rest of the region is under a winter storm warning.

Winds were also incredibly fierce. As of 10 a.m. Long Point, along the shore of Lake Erie saw peaks gusts of 103 km/h, and Toronto Island was lashed with 67 km/h winds.

Keep safe!

(...And then when the storm is over, you can upload some photos for us!)

Well, I can tell you, you are very welcome here Jim!

Regarding keeping tabs on posts/uploads in order to make sure that they meet with the site's guidelines... So far, I don't have a problem at ArtFreaks.com

On the other hand, if you would like to offer your services as a Moderator, I could certainly use some extra help!

Thanks for that. You have given me an idea...

My ArtWanted.com premium account was due for renewal and, with money being a bit tight at the moment, I was seriously thinking of letting it lapse. But your articles got me to thinking...

There is at least one artist member of these Forums who uses his account here to promote prints of his work that are for sale on various other websites. And that is absolutely fine by me! ArtFreaks.com aims to please, wherever it can be of use to any artist - professional or purely amateur. So I got to thinking, maybe I ought to start using this site for my own benefit too! And why not?!!!

ArtWanted.com have a print program for their premium members. Images can be printed on many different kinds of things - not just high quality paper. Artists and photographers can upload high resolution images of their work and these can be reproduced on all kinds of things that people can buy:

Buttons, Coasters, Playing Cards, Desk Organizers, Mugs - just to name a few! AW handle the billing, printing and shipping of the items. All the artists has to do is to upload their images, select the print program - and wait for the money to start coming in.

Well let's see if that one works for me!

Even better... Artists can sell their originals through AW too!

Thanks again for giving me the idea...

Interesting stuff. There's a lot to think about here...

I'm not too worried about selling any of my own art. I only do pastel paintings for my own personal fulfillment.

I did have a little exhibition once. I could have sold a couple of pieces but withdrew the whole lot from sale when a potential customer tried to haggle over prices that hardly even covered the cost of my materials:

smb's Blog > A Disastrous First Exhibition

In short, I have never ever sold a single painting - and I don't expect to, either. (Mind you, if I could sell just the one, then at least I could be in the "same boat" as Van Gogh!!) Haha!!

Interesting what you said about physical art galleries, though. On and off, over the last few years, I have been slowly building-up a small collection paintings by Filipino artists who's works I like. The intention was to have enough to be able to open a small art gallery when I retire... Well never mind, I can always make it more of a free coffee shop for socialites and other time-wasters!

There, is however a lot of scope for improving the online Store here at ArtFreaks.com. (You wouldn't even know there was one here unless you were looking for it. The current set-up is in a stand-alone part of the site and it is not integrated with the Forums...) The new set-up will be fully integrated with the Forums and, hopefully, it will allow all Full Members of the Forums to sell their art here.

That's a project for a later date though. Just watch this space!

'Sounds interesting! So what is cabochon?

Selling can be fun... If you ever actually manage to sell anything!

No, no, no! Radical Art is not art whored out to radical causes. It is the position that art is more in power than government. There is an infamous photo of Salvador Dali sitting with the dictator, Franco. Dali was severely criticized for sitting for that photo. His critics argued that he gave credence to Franco in doing so. I say that a closer look at that photo in the light of history shows Dali to be KING.

Ah. Got it!

Actually, when I saw your SPAWN image - I thought that was the radical art... (As in something totally different from most people's conceptions of everyday art.)

Yeah... Interesting position, that. I have often said that many countries function despite their governments - not because of them...

It's great to have you here!

Feel free to use ArtFreaks.com in any way that helps your cause.

As a Full Member, you can upload a link to your own site in the Links module.

(And don't forget to put the link to your website on your profile page too...)

Check-out the Downloads module of the Forums and see if that might be of any use to you - and if you need any new categories like, for example, text files, you only need to ask!

Happy posting!

A lot of people are scarred to publish anything even remotely controversial these days. Not only have we got the authorities scanning message boards all over the web - now we've even got internet bullies and vigilantes out there...

Anyway, for those who are NOT afraid to air their views on a publicly accessible message board, there is ArtFreaks.com!

I would love to encourage a free discussion forum here. As far as I am concerned, anyone who has a valid point to make about anything, can get it off their chest here!

However, no website can allow a free-for-all for anyone to publish any hateful, abusive illegal or disgusting filth that they want. (Anyone who is not sure what is acceptable here at ArtFreaks.com can just check-out the "Guidelines" link at the top of any page in the Forums...)

One thing that I can promise the Members of this site is that I will never delete or alter any post they make purely on the grounds that I disagree with their views.

It's still a free World. Let's keep it that way!

Received by email today:

The 12th China Changchun (High-tech Development Zone)

International Sculpture Symposium

Sculpture Proposal Invitation

January, 2011

Distinguished artists:

Sincere greetings from Changchun, the sculpture capital of China﹗

In order to vigorously flourish the world sculpture art and promote the development of urban sculpture construction, Changchun Municipal People

So what is your New Year's resolution?

Mine sounds a bit corny for an art site - but it really is:

"To get back into some art in 2011"

I love pastel painting! Purely as an amateur but it is a great pass-time - when I have got the time for it, that is...

Anyway, I have spent more than enough of my life tinkering with websites.

I should be able to employ some part-time help in 2011, in order to help-out with some of the drudgery involved in running and maintaining a dozen different sites. That should leave me more time for my art.

The proof will be in the number of finished paintings that I am able to upload here during the coming year...

For the girls! A few jokes about men and marriage...

Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and

I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on

Table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go

Hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old

Buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules.

Any comments?"

His new bride said,

"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that

There will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...

Whether you're here or not."

(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************

Marriage - Part II

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Husband, Stiff At Last"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

******************************

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says,

"And you are no good in bed either,"

And storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,

"what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

******************************************

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice,

"Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back,

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

**************************************

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests

God may have created man before woman - but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

The class is run on a first come first served basis, where I send out a group text every Monday and whoever gets back to me comes along, it's pay as you come to each class, so there is no obligation to sign up for a course of classes, you are free to pop in and out as you please.

That's an absolutely brilliant idea! Nice one!

And very handy for a nice pint of Guinness afterward.

Wish I was there!

Anyway, welcome to ArtFreaks.com and I hope we can see some of the class's work here in the Gallery here!

I'd love to see more amateur art work at ArtFreaks.com, as this is what the original concept of the site was all about... (For those more interested in the professional side of things, I am trying to encourage ArtBlast.com in that direction...)